The Empowerment Matrix: Communication * Organization * Critical Thinking

3 Simple Strategies to Help Your Tween Get Organized

Transcript

Hello, Hello ladies, welcome. Good morning. Well, it’s morning here. Let’s dive right in. And get started to three simple strategies to help your tween get organized. That’s why you’re here. 

You want to know, how do we do this? Do you wish your tween would start picking up after themselves without you reminding them? Maybe you just wish they would be able to keep track of their stuff, put their stuff where it belongs? Maybe you would like it. If they didn’t always ask you. What should I be doing now? What should I be doing now, if they were a little more self directed, perhaps, maybe it’s some of those things resonate with you. 

So today, I’m going to help you identify the task your tween should focus on first. Because we can’t do everything all at once. And then we’ll talk about three simple strategies to help them successfully achieve that task regularly. 

So we’re looking for long term benefits here, not just, they did it once, yay. And never again, we want this to be a life skill that they continue doing. And at the end, I’m going to share a little something with you. We’ve got something exciting coming up in September, to help your tween get organized. And I’ll be sharing that with you later. 

If you are joining me live, welcome. Thank you for joining me live and type hashtag live in the chat so that I know that you’re here live. And if you are watching the replay, welcome. Thank you for watching. Please type hashtag replay in the chat below. 

All right, so here’s what I want to know: 

What is the one task that if it was completed, it would make the biggest change the biggest impact in your household? 

Think about that one task that will have the biggest possible impact in your household, not just for your tween. But for the household because you have tweens, you know, what they do? impacts the whole household. It affects the tone of the house, it affects the home, the tidiness of the house, it affects the mood, it affects interactions, everything.

So pick one thing, one task.

All right. Now, now that you have that one task in your brain, I want you to think I’m assuming you’ve picked something that frustrates you or frustrates your spouse, this doesn’t get done, it doesn’t get done right. Or I always have to remind them of something, some point of tension.

And it’s kind of like, I know, we don’t really see log jams anymore, I just had this image while these logs going down the river and then you get a jam. And they can’t move. And then you remove that one log. And then they started flowing down the river again, that’s what we’re trying to do. We’re trying to remove the one thing that is jamming everything up causing trouble in the household. 

Now, to be clear, I’m not saying that every problem in your household is your tweens fault. It’s not. But we are talking about how they can be a little bit more organized. So we can create more harmony in the house. We’re going to do that. Simply I’ve got some tips for you. 

Now, flip that image and think, What would life be like? If that wasn’t an issue, if that problem if that one thing if that one task got done? How would the household be different? How would the mood of the house be different? How would your attitude towards your two tween be different? How would your tween be different? How would it affect the flow of people in and out of your house? All of these things?

Get a clearer picture in your mind because if you can’t picture it, then the frustration probably isn’t frustrating enough. If you can’t picture what It would be like if it were different. So this is sort of that ah, fantasy, what would it be like, Oh, my goodness, it would be amazing. Now you need that picture. So that you can get motivated to make the change, because it’s going to take a little effort, it may be simple, but simple doesn’t necessarily mean easy, but it is doable, I promise. 

Now, it can be overwhelming to think about all the changes that you’d like to make – all the things that you wish were different. One, we only want to focus on one, otherwise, everybody’s going to get frustrated, the tension in the house is going to get higher, if you’re trying to change too many things. 

That’s why I said the one thing – that log that’s causing the jam, we want to pull that one out. And it’ll make it easier to think about what to do next, it’ll take some pressure off, all we have to think about is which log is causing the jam, that’s the one we’re going to pull off.

So now that you know what your tween needs to focus on, we want to shove everything else to the side, we’re not going to worry about all the other little irritating things because they’re probably quite a few. Let them go, just like you’ve got them in your hands, you need to let them go. Not forever, just right now. 

And let’s dive into those three simple strategies for getting them to do that thing, that task that’s going to remove the logjam and create more harmony in your house. 

All right, number one, here we go. 

Clearly define the goal. 

So if you’ve chosen that one thing, that means that you know exactly what you’d like done, what it would look like, because you imagine that already. So in order for us to ask our tween to do something, we need to have a very clearly defined goal, we need to know exactly what it looks like at the end. So that picture that you painted in your mind of the ideal. That’s what you want. 

For example, when my girls were tweens, and I was teaching them how to clean the bathroom. I would clean it as I would like it. And then we would go through there and say, This is the goal. This is what it looks like.

So when I say clean the bathroom, it means there’s no toothpaste on the mirror. There’s no weird stuff under the toilet seat. There’s no dust bunnies collecting along the baseboards. You know, there’s no water spots on the faucet. Because in my mind, I had a picture of what that task, when it was completed, what it would look like, then I did it because quite frankly, if you can’t do it to the standard that you would like, you can’t expect your kid to do it. So you’ll be found out really quick. And that doesn’t build a relationship. So do it the way that you want it to the standard that you expect – your goal, and then walk them through it. So this is what it looks like. You can take pictures. This is what it looks like. This is the expectation. This is the goal.

Because if there’s no definition of done, it’s like you’re trying to maybe you’re playing soccer, basketball, hockey, whatever sport has a net. And somebody keeps moving the goalposts. So first you think you’re going to shoot a goal over here, and then it’s moved over here. And it’s frustrating. You don’t know which goal you’re trying? Where are you going? So that’s why we want a very clear, defined goal.

So that when you show your tween what to do for that task, then show the goalpost is here, here’s where I’m aiming, that’s what I need to do. That’s how I can succeed. That’s how they can get a win. And it eliminates frustration. Because we have a definition of Done. We have this end goal and you’re more likely to repeat it. So then every time you say, Please clean the bathroom. They know exactly what needs to be done. There’s the goal, they know what they need to do to get that goal and to win, so they’re more likely to do it next time. 

Which leads us to the second point. 

Start with an MVP. 

This isn’t Most Valuable Player, it is a startup term Minimum Viable Product, when you’re building a new product or designing something new, you want to have a minimum viable product, meaning the smallest version that is functional. 

So back to that bathroom example. If we wanted our tween to clean the bathroom, and when we did it, we had like 15 things on our checklist. And we were getting in there with the toothbrush around the grout. And we were getting on our hands and knees and cleaning the floor. All of these like nitty gritty, little things. We had like 15 things on that list. Well, are all of those things? 100% absolutely necessary for reaching the goal of having a clean bathroom? Well, you might argue yes. 

And if you’re saying yes, I invite you to take a breath, take a step back and go, Okay, what is good enough?

Not what is amazing. We’re showing the house realtors are coming through that standard. But what is satisfactory, good enough daily living, minimum viable product? So this is going to be like three to five things, three to five things on that task list. 

So maybe, yes, we need to clean the toilets. 100%. So those toilets get cleaned. We need to clean the bathtub, what does that look like we’re not scrubbing all the grout. You know, we’re getting like any soap scum off the tub. Great, super. We’re cleaning the counters, we’re cleaning the mirror, we’re cleaning the floor. Notice there’s no deep cleaning in there. But it’s good enough. It’s our minimum viable product. And not like more than five things. You can remember five things, your tween can remember five things, they can get that win. And they can do it over and over and over. 

And just as a little aside encouragement for you. When I started doing this years ago, my kids are older to older teens now. But they start taking pride in their work. They’re like, Oh, and then when they are unconsciously competent, meaning, of course, they just go in and whip off those five things, get the bathroom clean, it’s not a big deal. 

Then they start taking some initiative and they go, Oh, this cupboard looks a little bit disorganized. Maybe I should clean that, oh, that grout is looking a little scummy. Maybe I should clean that. And one day, you’ll go in there. And it will be closer to your 15 point list. Without you having asked for it. It does happen, I promise. But we got to start here and we got to start having them win. So that they keep doing it. And there’s not like a whole bunch of tension around it. 

Alright, so now we have the goal, we have our minimum viable product. Now we need to figure out when this task is going to be done. 

Decide when the task should be done. 

And this might not be on your timeline. This might be on their timeline, because we’re moving towards independence. And this is one area where you can give them a little independence. You can give them the task, give them some parameters about when it should be done. And then help them manage their time and their schedule so that they can fit it in.

So you’re gonna want to talk that through, but you’re giving them ownership of the task, which means kind of like if you’ve ever hired a contractor, they can do things on their own time versus an employee where you’re like You have to show up at a certain time. So we’re kind of doing that. 

And I know, currently we’ve got lots of changes, kids working in my house. They’re a little bit older now. But what we’ve done as I said, okay, it has to be done by Thursday. So anytime by Thursday, and it has to be done weekly, but you can’t do it on Thursday, and then do it again on Monday, like, we need to have almost a week in between. Because the bathroom example, like you want the bathroom cleaned or like on a weekly basis. 

But we don’t want to be nagging. We don’t want to be constantly asking them. Did you do this yet? Did you do this yet? Like it’s annoying. You don’t like doing it? You probably hate hearing yourself doing it. They don’t like hearing you do it. And all that happens is it creates this tension. We don’t want that. We want them to take ownership. 

And they’re growing and developing the skill. But there is a difference between nagging, like, have you done this yet? Have you done this yet? And reminding and you might think, Okay, well, isn’t that just two sides of the same coin? Hear me out, when you remind you we’re having a conversation. You are talking to them about it, say, hey, it’s Thursday. What have you got going on on Thursday? Because we want them to think about…I have something going on on Thursday. What was I supposed to be doing on Thursday? 

And if you have had them write it on the calendar that it’s you know, they need to clean the bathroom by Thursday?

Have them write it on the calendar, because then when you’re reminding them, you could send them over to the calendar, like have a look at the calendar, what’s on what’s on for Thursday. You don’t want to say Have you cleaned the bathroom yet?

That sounds like nagging to them.

But when you are transferring the task to them, you want to have this conversation and say, Hey, if you haven’t cleaned the bathroom by Thursday morning, how would you like me to remind you, like actually ask them? How would you like them to? How would you like me to remind you? And they’ll tell you? And then do that then?

Now they might not know. So you might say? Would you just like me to ask what time are you planning on cleaning the bathroom? Because that still puts it in their court. But you’re subtly reminding them. And then they’re still choosing when they’re doing it.

So we want to decide when it should be done. Talk about that. And then figure out how you are going to remind how they wanted to be reminded. And what happens if they don’t get done. So talk it through, talk with them.

Say well, what should I do? If it’s you know, it’s Thursday night, Thursday night dinner, you still haven’t done it? I’ve reminded you as you’ve suggested, now what? Then I would just say, Okay, if it hasn’t been done by Thursday at dinner time, I will tell you, the bathroom needs to be cleaned before you go to bed. And then leave it at that. But I’ve never found it to be an issue because we have this dialogue. And sometimes I’m just about to say is it Thursday, and they’re like, don’t say it, I’m gonna clean the bathroom today. Because they know, you don’t have to remind you don’t have to like natter and nag you just have to give that trigger.

So the simpler the organization like the simpler you make that goal, keep it to five things that minimum viable product, the more likely it is to happen.

Now you can apply this to any task you can apply this to you know when the school year starts to them doing their homework, maybe they have to take out the garbage, maybe they have to tidy up the room, whatever the task, it doesn’t matter. You’re breaking it down. What if it’s, let’s get out the door on time. Okay, well what do we need to do to do that? Create your minimum viable product which is essentially a little that’s your minimum viable product and then you have like a little micro routine around Add it to kick start it. And that is your reminder.

Once your tween gets used to how to choose the task, how to break it down, how to do it, it’ll be easier to add other micro routines like this micro routines are just things, you can count them on one hand. That’s the number of tasks involved in that, that one task. You can also have micro routines to jumpstart projects and stuff, which we’ll talk more about micro routines in another video. 

TL;DR

But that’s how we get our tweens to be more organized. 

1. Choose one thing, don’t worry about the rest. 
2. Set the goal, create the MVP
3. Decide when it should be done. And then talk about how you will remind them if necessary. 

And until next time, apply what we’ve talked about today to help your tween get organized.