Our January 9, 2024 Life Skills Club meeting helped tweens make their space a more relaxing place to be.
Here are the 5 questions you can ask your tween to help your them start getting their space organized. Under each question you’ll see how that question opens the conversation, nurtures your relationship, and moves your tween one step closer to independence.
- What’s ONE thing you wish you could change about your room?
Or you could ask more specifically about a certain section of their room. For example, what’s ONE thing you wish you could change about how your clothes are organized in your room? Or… what’s ONE thing you wish you could change about the way you’ve got your trinkets displayed in your room?
This isn’t to create discontentment, it’s to get them looking at their room and seeing what could be changed. It’ll also give you an idea about what they see. Where you see chaos, they may point out something that seems insignificant to you in light of the rest of the mess.
Change starts by seeing a problem. If your tween doesn’t see a problem with the way their room is, they won’t be motivated to make changes.
- How would your life be better if that ONE thing was different in your room?
We all want our life to be better, even your tween! This question gets them thinking about a positive outcome. Maybe they’ve never thought about it (highly likely). That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask the question. And if they say ‘I don’t know,’ (and give you the shoulder shrug), give them a few ideas based on things they’ve been frustrated by in the past.
For example, “Would it be easier to find your favorite things to wear?” This is a good question to ask if you’ve been yelled at because the shirt they want to wear is in the wash, or wrinkled on their floor and they couldn’t find it when they wanted it.
- What would have to happen to make your wish come true?
This question gets them critically thinking about what they would need to do to make the change. They may not know the very first step they’d need to take. That’s okay. You’ll guide them through the thinking process. And next time, they’ll know how to start thinking about how to create change.
Here’s where you say, “What’s the very FIRST thing you’d need to do to make your wish come true?” And then repeat back to them what they said they wished they could change.
By asking them for only the FIRST step you’ll make it seem more attainable. The less it seems like you’re going to give them work, the more likely they are to start making changes.
If they give you a step that you know requires other work to be done before they can do it, simply say, “And what would you do before that?” Keep repeating that question until you get to the true first step.
- When do you think you could have that first step finished?
This is asking them to commit. It’s a big step – even though the first step is a small step forward, committing to something can be scary. But, making micro-commitments and keeping them is part of the journey to independence. If they’re not sure when they can have that first step done, talk through some suggestions.
For example, “You’ve got basketball practice on Tuesday and schoolwork for the rest of the week, what about getting it done by Saturday at 4pm? Do you think that’s reasonable?”
This shows them that they have some say in it. And, although you do want them to get it done (and probably wish it had been done yesterday) by going through the process of having them see the problem, what specifically needs to change, and the first step they’d need to take to make the change, committing to making the change is the next logical step.
- I don’t want to nag you to get this done. How would you like me to ask you about your progress?
When you ask this question, it gives you permission to ask about the progress in a way that feels collaborative. You’re on the same team and you’re checking in – not nagging.
This will take some practice on your part. Sometimes they may feel like you’re nagging, even if you’re simply asking how it’s going. That’s normal. As they start to see that you really are just checking in and they truly are responsible for getting the task done by the time they said they would, it’ll start to feel more like a normal conversation.
You could say, “What if I just said, ‘Are you on track for Saturday?’”
Somehow, by not stating the task it seems less like nagging. And it forces your tween to remember the task they committed to.
Give it a try this week. See what happens. The first time you do this, your tween may seem confused by the amount of control they appear to have in this situation. Trust the process, this is an important step towards helping your tween become more independent. Going through this situation uses all parts of the Empowerment Matrix and can expand their communication, critical thinking, and organizational skills!
I’d love to know how this worked out for you and your tween. You can always email me at marina (at) tweentalk.co.