Workshop Timestamp Index
0:00 – Why Middle School Is Different (And What I Wish I’d Known)
6:23 – The Brain Science: They’re Not Trying to Make You Crazy
11:04 – Resistance Is Information: The Mindset Shift
13:07 – The 4-Step Connection Reset Framework (No Scripts to Memorize)
15:13 – Matching Their Tone (Why Cheerful Doesn’t Work)
19:45 – The 5:1 Rule: Getting Them to Talk
22:30 – “It’s Boring” – What They Really Mean
25:28 – “This Is Too Much” – When They’re Overwhelmed
30:05 – “Why Do I Need This?” – Handling the Deflection
34:33 – “My Friend Doesn’t Have To” – The Comparison
38:07 – What to Do When They Say “I Don’t Know”
41:41 – Next Steps: The Tracker & March Workshop
The Connection Reset – Full Transcript
INTRODUCTION (0:00)
This is the connection reset workshop. We’re talking about how to stop some of those middle school daily schoolwork battles by building connection. So, let’s get into it.
Now, I homeschooled my daughters. They have three very different personalities and we went through all through middle school and it was different with each one of them.
THE TEEN YEARS WARNING (0:32)
And in my head I knew the teen years they were coming. I’d been warned. I’d been warned since they were toddlers that these teen years were coming. You probably have too.
Yeah, exactly. The dreaded teen years. And I thought, uh-uh, I we are not having those dreaded teen years. I think that depends on my attitude. I think that depends on what I do to build connection.
THE MIDDLE SCHOOL MEMO I MISSED (1:28)
But nobody told me middle school is this bridge between elementary and the teen years, high school. And it’s actually the training ground. Elementary is not really the training ground for those teen years. It’s middle school. I apparently had missed the memo.
So, my oldest, she hit those middle school years and I kept trucking along as if she was still in elementary, but it was like we had a speed bump. Suddenly, the things that I was doing weren’t working anymore.
THE FACILITATOR’S CATALYST (2:09)
And I remember a homeschool facilitator we had, lovely lady, she made a suggestion that put my brain on the right track and made a huge difference with what happened during the rest of those middle school years.
And she had simply said, “Hey, I think perhaps you might want to consider doing more instead of like these 30 minute time blocks doing all of your subjects every day, maybe fewer subjects, allow the kids to get longer into those subjects, study them for a longer period of time.”
She has no idea how that changed the trajectory of the homeschooling for my daughters. Those words started me thinking.
WHAT WE’LL COVER TODAY (3:52)
So in the next hour, here’s what we’re going to talk about. Why your middle schooler resists and something you might be doing that makes it worse. I have made all of these mistakes. There is no judgment here.
There’s the connection reset framework and that is the tool that is going to help you help your middle schooler get talking.
How to handle this like I don’t know, you know, you ask them something, they shrug. It’s killed so many conversations. I used to get so frustrated.
The five to one communication ratio that unlocks what’s actually going on. And we’re going to talk about four primary scenarios where we can use this connection reset framework so you can see what is really going on.
WHO’S STRUGGLING? (5:41)
Anybody here reminding your kid to start school over and over? Or feel like you’re nagging more than you’re teaching?
Or you feel like this fight over schoolwork day after day is stealing your relationship. Does that sound familiar to any of you?
THE MIDDLE SCHOOL BRAIN (6:23)
So between the ages of 11 and 14, so those middle school years, your child’s brain is literally rewiring. This prefrontal cortex, the part that’s responsible for planning, decision making, impulse control, that is all under construction.
They’re not actually trying to make you crazy, even though some days it might feel like it. Their brain is changing.
And so what worked in elementary school, if it’s not working anymore, you’re not doing something wrong. That is normal. They’re different now. They’re supposed to be different now.
WHERE YOU ARE RIGHT NOW (7:15)
So, if you look in your workbook, there is a page that says where you are right now.
How are you finding yourself responding to resistance? Do you remind them repeatedly? Do you take away privileges? How about lecturing? You should be more responsible. Bribing or rewarding, getting frustrated, maybe you raise your voice or giving up and letting it slide.
Because it’s only when we figure out what we’re currently doing that we can make a change.
THE REAL PROBLEM (8:44)
The workshop is about stopping the daily schoolwork battles. But here’s the thing. This schoolwork battle, it’s not all about schoolwork. It’s about disconnection.
And we can’t solve what we don’t understand. So that’s why if you’re responding to resistance with reminders or consequences or lectures, you’re not figuring out what’s really causing the resistance.
WHY MIDDLE SCHOOL IS DIFFERENT (9:39)
There’s a page here that says why middle school is different. In elementary school, your kid did school work because you said so. You were the authority.
Now, in middle school, there’s this shift. They’re individuating. They’re separating from you. They’re forming their own identity. This is supposed to happen.
So, that direct instruction that worked before isn’t going to work anymore. Not because they’re being difficult. They are growing up.
RESISTANCE IS INFORMATION (11:04)
First of all, resistance is information. So this might be a little bit of a mindset shift. So instead of looking at resistance as like defiance and they are against you, what if instead we got curious?
They’re telling you something without saying I’m overwhelmed. They’re telling you they’re overwhelmed by resisting or I don’t understand or I don’t see the point. I feel managed. I need more autonomy or it’s something else altogether.
So resistance is that information that we need so we can solve the problem. And that is where we get to the connection reset.
THE CONNECTION RESET FRAMEWORK (13:07)
So in your workbook you’re going to see the connection reset framework and we are going to work through this.
Something is going on. Your kid is resisting. They don’t want to do the thing. But instead of pushing them, instead of trying to manage them into doing it or punishing them, we’re going to do four things.
And this is a framework. So, if we know what the framework is, then we can apply it no matter what the situation. We don’t have to have a word for word script.
STEP 1: NOTICE OUT LOUD (14:08)
So, step one, we’re going to notice out loud. And when I first started doing this, I felt a little ridiculous. I thought, “Good grief.” Like, I’m stating the obvious. How dumb is that?
But you’re saying this and when you’re saying this, you’re validating what is happening. Like you’re just statement of fact. This is what seems to be going on right now.
STEP 2: GET CURIOUS (15:01)
And then we’re going to go to step two. We’re going to get curious. What’s going on?
And here tone really matters.
THE TONE ISSUE (15:13)
Let’s address this tone issue right away. If you appear all peppy, it’s going to make things worse. So, if you’re like, “I notice you’re really not wanting to start this right now.” They’re going to be really annoyed.
There’s this principle of matching them where they’re at. If they’re sort of moping around, then come with a like toned down conversational tone.
And it’s really important that that what’s going on doesn’t sound like you’re accusing them of something. That you have an inflection at the end. What’s going on? This curious tone.
STEP 3: WHEN THEY SAY “I DON’T KNOW” (17:14)
And then they may say, “I don’t know.”
So, here’s what you’re going to do. You’re going to start reflecting their words back to them and repeating them with curiosity. And it’s going to prompt them to continue the conversation.
Now, you don’t want to do this with every conversation you have with your kid. It will get very annoying. So, this needs to be strategic.
So, they say, “I don’t know.” And then you just wait. And after you’ve waited a bit, then you could say, “Don’t know.” And then you pause and you wait.
THE PAUSE MATTERS (18:35)
And this is where you might have to bite your tongue because it will seem like forever, but it is worth the wait.
And like I said, this is not a script. We’re not just parroting back things. And the pause really makes a difference.
In fact, it’s not a bad idea to look at the second hand on a clock and pay attention to how many seconds you actually wait because 5 seconds can feel like a minute. And they need time to process.
THE 5:1 RULE (19:45)
All right. So we have this 5 to one rule talking about waiting and in the connection reset and just in conversation in general think about having your tween talk for five minutes for every one minute that you talk.
I remember deliberately looking at the clock and when I did, we had better conversations because I kept my lips zipped. I just offered some prompts, like curiosity prompts to get them to keep talking. It actually works.
YOUR JOB IS / IS NOT (20:37)
So on this page here, the connection reset framework, it says your job is to notice, ask a curious question, repeat their words, wait.
Your job is not to fill the silence or guess what they’re thinking or here’s my personal favorite, jump in with solutions. It’s easy to jump in with solutions, explain or defend.
So, the magic happens in the pauses. Kids seem to need quite a bit of time to process things.
SCENARIO 1: THE SHUTDOWN (22:30)
So I said we had four scenarios. The shutdown, the overwhelm, the deflection, and the comparison.
So this first one, I don’t want to do school today. It’s boring. When your kid says that, what do you do? What do you normally say or do?
USING THE CONNECTION RESET (23:04)
So, we could say, “I noticed that you’re not really feeling school today.” Okay, then we’re going to get curious. What’s going on? They say I don’t know. You repeat, don’t know.
And then remember this 5:1 rule. We’re going to let them talk. Now, they might say I don’t care about any of this.
You just repeat back the last couple of words. So they say, “I just don’t care about any of this.” You say, “Any of this?” And then you just wait.
WHAT YOU DISCOVERED (23:56)
And maybe they say like, “Why does it even matter?” Now we’ve discovered something.
This isn’t actually about boredom. It’s about a need for relevance. They want their work to mean something. They want to be more autonomous.
And now you can solve the real problem. But we went from I don’t know to actually getting to the root of the problem and now it’s solvable and now we have some connection.
SCENARIO 2: THE OVERWHELM (25:28)
Scenario number two, the overwhelm. This is too much.
So now imagine your kid is staring at their assignment. They are frozen. They’re like, “This is too much.”
Now you might normally push and say, “You can totally do this. It’s not too much.” Or you take their stuff away and say, “Well, you’re not getting this until it’s done.”
THE OVERWHELM – CONNECTION RESET (26:27)
So, I see you’re looking at this and it seems like it’s a lot. Well, they’ve just told you this is too much and you’re just verifying that.
What feels too much about it? Now, this could be very easy to come across as snarky. We want that curiosity tone, you know, with that inflection at the end.
And then they might say, “I don’t know. It just is.” They might not know how to articulate why this seems like a lot. They’re just overwhelmed. So, it’s our job as parents to help them figure out what’s causing the overwhelm.
DISCOVERY: EXECUTIVE FUNCTION (28:14)
Then you might repeat, okay, it just is. And you’re like, it just is. And then you wait. And remember that 5 to one rule. So, we’re not filling the silence with suggestions.
And then maybe they’ll continue and say, “I don’t even know where to start.”
And as soon as you get to that little nugget of truth underneath, now you have something you can work with to fix the overwhelm.
So this is not defiance, it’s lack of executive function skills to break the big project into small steps. Now you can help them.
SCENARIO 3: THE DEFLECTION (30:05)
The deflection. Why do I even need to know this?
This is a big one. As the parent, you can see the big picture. You have the life experience. They don’t see that. They just like why do I even need to know this? When am I ever going to need to use this?
MY OWN STORY (30:36)
I remember specifically a day I was in high school even, high school math and I wanted to pass math. I wanted to do the work but I was like I need to connect this with something. When am I ever going to use this?
And I wasn’t being defiant or snarky. I wanted to know for real and actually the answer in that case was like you probably won’t use this and sometimes that is the answer and that’s okay.
WHAT WE NORMALLY DO (31:42)
Think about what you normally do when your kid says, “Well, why do I even need to know this?”
Maybe you defend. Maybe you just say, “Well, you just do.” And you shut it down. And then sometimes, you know, they want to know and you’re getting frustrated, you just say, “Because I said so.” And if you keep arguing about it, you’re going to do extra work.
THE DEFLECTION – CONNECTION RESET (32:45)
Okay, think about what you normally say and do. And then here’s what we’re going to do with this connection reset. We’re going to validate. So, we’re going to give a statement.
You’re wondering why this matters and it’s just statement of fact and then we’re getting curious. What made you think about that today?
And they might say it’s just so pointless. So then you can repeat pointless. And then you wait. Remember the 5:1 rule because their brain is busy processing.
DISCOVERY: AUTONOMY (33:27)
And so then they might say, well, I already know how to write. Why do I need grammar exercises?
So now we understand the root. This isn’t being disrespectful. They need some autonomy. They need some input on what feels valuable. We can address that.
But now we can talk about how they are feeling about that and how we can connect it to something that is significant for them so they can see the purpose in what they’re doing.
SCENARIO 4: THE COMPARISON (34:33)
Now, let’s move on to comparison. The comparison. Let me know if your kid has ever said this. My friend doesn’t have to do this much work or whatever. My friend doesn’t have to fill in the blank. Why do I?
Maybe you normally dismiss it and you say like, I don’t care what your friend does or doesn’t do and then you shut it down. So now there’s no connection. There’s no conversation about it.
THE COMPARISON – CONNECTION RESET (36:15)
All right, comparison. So step one, we are going to notice. Sounds like you’re feeling you have more on your plate or some variation of that.
And then we’re going to step two, get curious. So what made you think about that?
And then step three when they’re like I don’t know she just doesn’t have to do all of this. So now we’re going to repeat. She doesn’t have to do all of this. And then we wait.
DISCOVERY: OWNERSHIP (37:14)
Well, yeah, she just gets to choose what she wants to learn. She can do whatever she wants.
Okay, so now again, you’ve discovered this isn’t actually about the friend. This is about autonomy. This is about ownership. And now you can give them appropriate input.
HANDLING “I DON’T KNOW” (38:07)
Now, let’s talk about I don’t know because this comes up a lot in every scenario. Most conversations die at I don’t know.
Because as parents, we either give up and say fine, whatever. Or like I sometimes did, you know, all of a sudden you fill the silence with all these suggestions or you get frustrated and so you give consequences.
THE FOUR STEPS FOR “I DON’T KNOW” (38:49)
But instead, we want to do the four things, right? Repeat the words with curiosity. We’re going to wait. Count to 10 in your head if you need to.
And we’re trusting the pause because they’re processing. They’re not necessarily stonewalling, especially if we’re coming at the conversation with curiosity.
So keep the 5 to 1 ratio and let them fill the space. We’re not filling the space.
WHY THIS WORKS (39:49)
Why does this work?
I don’t know doesn’t mean the conversation is over. It is an invitation to explore further.
So what are you going to do the next time your middle schooler says, “I don’t know?” We’re going to use that connection reset. Repeat back with curiosity. Wait, trust the pause and then move forward with the conversation.
YOUR WAY FORWARD (41:41)
So, in your book, you’re going to see a page that says your way forward. And this is a page that you can use to reflect as you move forward.
What are you going to do different this week? What scenario will you likely face?
I know sometimes when I was learning a new framework, I would repeat it to myself. I would think of some scenarios and then as soon as one of those scenarios came up then I was like, “Oh yes, I was going to say this.”
Your middle schooler does not need you to be perfect. They need you to be willing to try something different, to listen, to be curious, and when you mess up, apologize, move forward.
CONNECTION RESET TRACKER (42:51)
Now, on the next page, you’ll see a connection reset tracker.
You can use this as a way to just jot yourself a couple of notes to trigger a reminder. You know, what happened? What did you ask? What did you discover? What shifted?
And even if you track it for a week or two, you’ll start to notice the patterns. And as you become more aware, then you can start to shift to using that connection reset, that framework, and continue to build connection with your middle schooler.
WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER (43:44)
Now, when you use the connection reset, some things are going to get better right away. All of a sudden, you’re like, “Oh, wow. That got solved easily.” Other things might take more time. And that is okay.
But as you go through, you’re going to start to discover some deeper issues. Things like how disorganized they are. They don’t know how to plan their work.
Maybe they don’t know how to follow through. They need some systems. Maybe they need help with time management, help prioritizing, breaking a big task into smaller steps.
MARCH WORKSHOP INVITATION (45:01)
But connection opens the door to discovering those root problems. But then you need tools for the next level like okay so how are we going to address some of those things.
Which is why in March we’re going to do an organization workshop. It is how to help your middle schooler get organized without taking over, giving them more autonomy and helping them do it in a way where they can be successful at being organized.
You can register right now. Tweentalk.co/workshop-march. It is free for the live workshop and a free 48 hour replay if you cannot make the workshop.
CLOSING (46:47)
No questions. Comprehensive. Okay. Thank you very much. I want to thank you for attending. If you are watching this on the replay, thank you for watching.
I hope it has been helpful and I wish you all the best as you are using this connection reset to build better connection to reduce those schoolwork struggles with your middle schooler.
And I hope to see you in March when we talk about organization.