Beyond Best Friends: What Your Tween Actually Needs Socially

Worried your tween doesn’t have enough friends? Here’s why that might not be the problem you think it is – and what to focus on instead.

I see so many questions in Facebook groups from moms who are worried that their tween doesn’t have any friends. This might be you. I know it’s something I worried about when my girls were tweens, but I’d like to offer you some encouragement around that.

As I was thinking about this recently, three primary things related to tweens and friendships came to mind. Perhaps they will encourage you today, just like they helped me shift my perspective on what really matters during my daughters’ tween years.

It’s Not Your Fault If Your Tween Isn’t Connecting

So that first thing is that it is not your fault if your tween is not connecting.

If you are taking them to all sorts of events and you really want them to connect, you want them to find friends because you want them to have friends and they’re like, “Mom, I’m fine, I’m fine” – there’s often this pressure on them to try to make friendships, not because they’re desperate for them, but because they want you to be happy.

But here’s the thing: just because they’re in close proximity with other kids doesn’t mean they’re going to develop friendships. It’s the same with adult friendships, right? We go to different events and we’re out and about, and just because we’re bumping into people doesn’t mean we have a bunch of besties.

We need to relax about that, which brings me to the second point.

We Can Help Our Tweens Be Friendly

We can help our tweens be friendly. So they might not have best friends, but they can be friendly. They can be somebody that people want to be around.

Now you might think, “Have you met my tween? This is a rough transition.” There are days when they might not seem very friendly. You’ll think, “Oh, my goodness. How are they ever going to have friends when they’re acting like this?”

That’s where it becomes an opportunity to model kindness. In those moments where you’re connecting with your tween, where things are at a good place, then take those moments to teach them about how to have conversations, how to interact with people in a social setting. So that when you’re out and about, they can pull up that friendliness and put their best foot forward.

It Has to Be Practiced

But it has to be practiced. You have to practice that stuff at home. It doesn’t just magically happen. It’s a skill, which means it can be taught.

Perhaps you’ve read the Dale Carnegie book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” That’s a great place to start. I know it’s an old book, and your tween doesn’t necessarily need to read it on their own, but it’s worth talking through the principles, and then trying to enact them at home and when you’re out.

First, it’s not your fault that they don’t have a crowd of friends, and it’s kind of unreasonable to expect that. However, they can be friendly, which means people are going to enjoy being around them. They’ll have a good time, you’ll have a better time, and there is a greater likelihood of friendship if they are exuding friendliness.

The Value of Being Likeable

Even if they don’t end up with bosom buddies, best friends, BFFs, they will become known as kids that people like. They’re likeable, they are kind, and that is worth something, 100%. And there’s joy to be found in that.

You can enjoy being around people, even friendly acquaintances, without having to share all of your secrets with them. And once the pressure is off, it makes it easier to do that.

Encourage Them to Be Friends with Their Siblings

And then thirdly, it’s an opportunity for you to encourage them to be friends with their siblings.

Now, before you throw your phone across the room and don’t want to read anymore because you think, “Oh, my goodness, how on earth can my kids be friends?” – it is possible. It does take some work. But I will say the work is worth the effort.

I’m Speaking from Experience

Now that I’m on the other side of those tween years, my girls are moving into adulthood. They’re at the early stages of adulthood, and now I see the fruit of those years where I was trying to instill the friendship value, being friends with their siblings, trying to promote that, deliberately fostering those kinds of opportunities for that relationship. It’s so worth it.

You Need a Little Bit of a Thick Skin

So in order to do that, you need to have a little bit of a thick skin because they’re not always going to enjoy spending time together. That is fairly normal because they’re at different stages in development. So if your tween has older siblings that are then moving into their teens, they might think your tween is just a little twerp and they don’t want to hang out.

But this is where if you have just a general rule of kindness – remember we talked about being friendly and we’re practicing that at home – so teaching them how to speak to each other, how to resolve conflict, how to be thinking about the other person, and how to stand up for themselves, how to have an opinion.

They Can Argue, They Cannot Fight

I always told my girls they could argue, they could not fight. So fighting is mean and nasty and attacking the other person’s character. Arguing is having discussion about differing opinions, and that is okay, but we need to teach our kids how to do these things.

And the bonus is, as they do that and as you teach them those skills and then step back and let them work things through, and then they come out the other side of that and then they are doing an activity together, they’re having fun, all of a sudden they’re having some sibling bonding time. They go, “Oh, so I can have a relationship, have a differing opinion, and still come out the other side with a good relationship, a friendly relationship intact, even if we have different opinions.” And that is so valuable, so, so valuable.

Think About This Summer

I want you to think about this summer. Summer tends to be a little bit more relaxed, which opens up some capacity for thinking about some things. And it’s likely that your kids are going to be spending even more time together.

So think about how you can teach your kids to be friendly. Think about some conversational skills. Think about how to demonstrate kindness, point out kindness. They need to see examples of things. Practice speaking kindly to each other in your house.

Don’t Call Them Out in the Moment

And don’t call them out in the moment necessarily, but as you see them demonstrating some of these things or see it out in the wild, it’s like, “Wow, that person was speaking very kindly.” Then they start to recognize that. So when you say, “Please speak kindly to your sister,” they know what that even means, what that looks like, because you pointed it out and have been demonstrating it.

Start to Be Aware

So start to be aware of those things. Take the pressure off yourself for deep friendships and see what you can do with friendly acquaintances. How much fun can you have just being friendly acquaintances?

And then finally, encourage your kids to be friends with each other, to speak kindly, to do stuff for the other person, and see what starts to happen. Even over the summer, even over the next two months, perhaps before you start back into the swing of things with school, maybe you only have a month left, whatever that is, and see what starts to happen.

It’s a Long-Term Play

It’s a long-term play. So it’ll take some patience. It’ll take some endurance, because it’s for the long haul, but it is so worth it.

I hope that offered a bit of encouragement for you today. Remember: it’s not your fault if your tween isn’t connecting the way you hoped, but there’s so much you can do to help them become the kind of person others want to be around. And sometimes, that’s even better than having a best friend.

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