Why Asking for Help Is Harder Than It Looks (And How to Help Your Tween Get Better at It)

Originally shared on Voice Notes with MarinaJoy

The real reason your tween’s questions fall flat

Often our kids need help. And yet when they ask for help, they’re not actually getting the answer they need to do the thing that they’re trying to do.

They don’t know how to formulate the question. And it might not be just you they need to ask the question to. Perhaps they need to ask somebody who has information that we don’t—someone good at the thing they are curious about.

Why guessing leads to the wrong kind of help

Generally, if you’re not formulating the question right, people just guess at the question they think you’re trying to ask. And then they’ll give an answer based on that. Which means… you’re not always going to get the answer you actually need.

How to make asking questions less of an ordeal

How can we help your tween ask questions without it being a big ordeal to learn how to do it—you know, the eye rolling, the ugh, never mind? It is an important skill. So here are some ideas that might be helpful.

Framework 1: The Most Immediate Constraint

I got this idea from Nick Peterson and it’s been super helpful. Maybe it’ll help your tween too.

What you’re trying to figure out is: What is the very next step I need to take that’s tripping me up?

Not three steps down the road—literally, what’s the next obstacle in your way?

And then, the question becomes: How do I remove that one specific obstacle so I can keep going?

Framework 2: The Log Jam Analogy

If you’ve ever studied history (or even modern transport), you know they cut logs and float them downriver. Sometimes one log turns sideways and causes a backup.

That sideways log? That’s your tween’s sticking point.

Once you remove it, everything starts flowing again.

So the goal is: Identify the “log” causing the jam.

Then ask: How do I move that log out of the way?

Framework 3: Play the Movie in Their Mind

This one works especially well for kids who love comics, animation, or stories. Ask them to imagine the problem like a short animated scene.

There’s a good guy, a villain, and wise counsel. The villain is the obstacle. The good guy needs to go to the wise counsel—but first, they need to name the villain’s trick so they can get the right advice.

When they know what the villain is doing, they can ask the wise counsel the right question to move the story forward.

So which framework works for your kid?

Whether it’s identifying the most immediate constraint, spotting the log in the jam, or visualizing the villain blocking the hero’s path—each one is just a tool for asking better questions and moving forward.

What this looks like in real life

Let’s get practical. This isn’t about refining questions like “What’s for lunch?”

Think: your child is doing a writing assignment. They’re stuck. Frustrated.

They know they’re supposed to end up with a paragraph or story or essay. Maybe they even know how to start… but there’s one step tripping them up.

They don’t know what question to ask to get unstuck.

Help them name the stuck point

This is where you come in:

Start with what they already know: “You know how to write a sentence? Great. You know how to start a paragraph?”

Then: “Where exactly are we getting stuck?”

Eventually, you land on something like: “Ohhh… you don’t know how to make the transition between these two ideas.”

Now you’re getting somewhere. That’s a clear, useful question: “How do I write a transition from this paragraph to the next?”

Boom. Log removed. Story flowing again.

These tools are good for you too

This isn’t just for kids. These three frameworks—immediate constraint, log jam, and the animated movie—are problem-solving tools for grownups too.

Next time you’re procrastinating? Ask: “What’s my most immediate constraint?”

Chances are, it’s a tiny step you’re avoiding because you don’t have clarity.

Figure out that step. Ask a specific question. Then move forward.

And maybe your next step… is tea

I hope this was helpful. And maybe your most immediate constraint to having a great day is just taking a few minutes and having a cup of tea.

I know that’s what I’m about to do.

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Want more practical parenting insights? Follow along for more voice notes turned into helpful resources for navigating the tween years.