Originally from Tween Talk: Voice Notes with Marina Joy
As we approach September and the start of a new homeschool year, I want to share something important: I don’t believe your homeschool schedule should be packed back-to-back. It’s simply unsustainable. But I also believe in being intentional, because when there’s bare ground in our routines, poor habits creep in and push out the good ones.
Let me tell you about a recent gardening experience that perfectly illustrates this principle.
The Garden That Taught Me Everything
We recently moved, and I wasn’t sure what was growing in our new garden. So I decided to let things grow naturally to see what was there. Some plants looked like flowers — similar to the perennial varieties I know and love — but something felt off. I had a niggling feeling they might actually be weeds, but they looked nice enough, and honestly, I was busy with the house.
I left them alone.
Those “flowers” turned out to be noxious weeds, and they were far harder to pull out than they would have been if I had either filled the spot with healthy perennials from the start or identified and removed them early. My passive approach — understandable given all the indoor work that needed attention — created more work later.
Maybe you can relate to having good intentions but letting things slide when life gets overwhelming.
The Homeschool Connection
I discovered the same principle applies to homeschooling, especially during those challenging middle school years. When I wasn’t focused and intentional about the habits and routines we wanted, less desirable patterns would form. Routines got slack. And just like those garden weeds, once these habits took root, they became incredibly difficult to change.
Tightening up routines I’d grown lax with required significantly more effort than maintaining them would have. But here’s the encouraging truth: just like pruning and planting in the garden, the effort is worth it when you deliberately cultivate what you want in your homeschool routines and your child’s character development.
Planting What You Want
When you intentionally plant the characteristics and routines you desire, they’ll flourish in every season. It’s easier to keep the weeds out when you already know what belongs in your family’s garden and what doesn’t.
Take kindness, for example. Kindness is a rule that covers so many things. When you’re deliberate about developing this characteristic — modeling it, discussing it, and setting up routines that encourage speaking kindly to each other in a less rushed environment — your home becomes like a beautiful perennial garden. It’s a pleasant place to be.
Dealing with the Inevitable Weeds
Of course, attitude struggles will still pop up. The tween years are difficult by nature. Your child is trying to figure out who they are, and some days they don’t know either. One day they think they have it all figured out, the next they’re confused and dealing with big emotions that lead to challenging attitudes.
When your tween talks back, think of it as pulling a weed. Talk to them — maybe not in that heated moment, but once the attitude has dissipated. This becomes a teaching opportunity about speaking kindly and communicating respectfully.
It’s important to understand that tweens need to push back appropriately. They need to ask questions, challenge ideas, and figure out what they think and believe. But they need to learn how to do this respectfully. When you teach them how to have these conversations properly, everyone moves forward together.
Unfortunately, it’s not a one-and-done lesson. When disrespectful attitudes surface again, you pull that weed again. You redirect: “This is how we have this conversation. Let’s try again.”
Getting Ahead of the Weeds
The key is recognizing what triggers those attitudes or spirals toward apathy and lazy routines. When you know your family’s patterns, you can step in early, redirect, and help manage big feelings before they grow into something harder to handle.
This requires reflection instead of reaction. Instead of simply reacting every time your tween pushes back, take time outside those moments to reflect:
- When they say this particular thing, why does it push my buttons?
- What’s my typical reaction, and how does that spiral?
- Why is my tween pushing back in the first place?
- What baggage of my own might be getting triggered?
When you take time to acknowledge these patterns, you can catch those weeds before they grow too big. Next time the situation arises, you can pause, breathe, listen, and then address how to have an appropriate conversation.
Planning Your Garden for This Year
With a few weeks left of summer (whether you’ve started homeschooling, school year-round, or are preparing to begin), this is the perfect time to reflect:
What do you want your home to feel like this year?
- What attitude do you want in your household?
- What mood or atmosphere are you hoping to create?
- What rhythms and routines do you need to cultivate to achieve this?
- What “weeds” do you already know to watch for?
- What primary “plant” do you want to focus on in your family garden?
Just like choosing daisies for their perennial beauty and happy simplicity, what characteristic do you want to cultivate that will keep growing year after year?
For our family during those tween years, I focused on grace — how we could offer more grace to each other. I didn’t do this perfectly (perfection isn’t the goal), but setting the intention and continuing to work toward it made all the difference.
The Effort is Worth It
Remember, just like tending a garden, the effort you put into your homeschool rhythms and your tween’s character development now will bear fruit in your home later. Take time to reflect, plan what you want to cultivate, and prepare to address the challenges you know are coming.
You’re not alone in this journey, and these sometimes wild years truly can be enjoyed when approached with intention and grace.
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